A Word About Struggles

It's odd...

Do you ever get the inclination to watch something that you know will be heart-wrenching when you're really down? I do.

Though I honestly think it's because I want to feel uplifted at seeing someone else overcome their challenges. Seeing others struggle and overcome their pitfalls encourages me and, most times, give me a small boost of motivation...

The more openhearted about other people's struggles the easier it is to recognize how difficult some things really are. A lot of the time I think people dismiss things that seem easy for them to do as trivial - you have to stop and consider how the other person reacts to certain stimuli.

For instance, I have phobias over confrontation. I've beaten myself up over so many things that I instinctively expect it from others, even though I distinctly make the conscious revelation that the most times people are understanding and forgiving and simply want to help. (Well, I haven't come across many people who intentionally want to screw me over...) Even past experiences don't help lessen the anxiety they cause. So I hole myself up, knowing it won't fix anything, but hoping I'll warm up to the concept that I need to deal with the situation. It's how I deal with my anxieties... It's not healthy, but it's not something I've been able to consistently repress. It feels like I can't help it, and I can imagine how that looks from the outside.

I just watched a movie called Lbs. And it reminded me of this idea. If you couldn't tell by the name, it's a movie portraying the struggle of dealing with life hardships through eating: excessive eating. Which, because of the unhealthy nature of the coping mechanism, brings about more humiliation upon the eater often. Now, I don't understand this struggle... I've been blessed with a healthy appetite and loved sports and exercise growing up. (Though, I'm not really sure if that plays a role in any of this, honestly.) I also never really put too much weight on my appearance, either.My issues were always about performance, not appearance.

But I have been in a relationship with someone who struggled and may still struggle with overeating, and though I don't understand the impulses and the blow upon the self-esteem it causes, I've seen it lived out. I lived with pieces of it - the small bits that were complacently unearthed. The box of ice cream bars stashed in the corner that wasn't there that morning... The early morning degrading "pep talks" in front of the mirror... The suspicious sounds through the door that could be heard just over the music...

They were just small pieces uncovered here and there over time. And near the end, I was so conflicted... I had seen enough things to cause suspicion that I very nearly knew what was going on. (Unfortunately, one of my downfalls is that I'm oblivious to many things. It takes a while for the realization to snap all the pieces together...) I didn't know how to talk to them about it... It's something I regret; not ripping off the band aide to expose the wound -all out of fear of causing too much pain - and let them know that I was there for them and loved them just for who they were.

I mean, it didn't stop me from telling them that I loved them for who they were, but if I had made it clear that I had realized how this controlling impulse was affecting them and that to me that didn't change how I saw them I've wondered if it would help... Help show them that they should love themselves for who they are, faults and all... Because, though I don't struggle in the same way, I do have to remind myself of that fact. By the time I gathered my courage life twisted things out of my hands. It was decided that I wasn't to be part of their life anymore.

So I'm left here hoping that things have gotten better for them. That they don't look at themselves in disgust or fret over the opinions of outsiders so much that they think themselves unworthy. But I know, from my own struggles that it may not go away for years and it makes me mourn, because I want to be there and I can't. I struggle with my own problems, and though no one can help me with mine, I do know that overcoming things alongside people helps.

We all have our issues we struggle with, so please open your heart and mind to another's struggles and don't chastise or degrade them thinking that it's trivial, because to them your problems are probably trivial and you'd be hurt if they rebuked you. We get through things together in this world, so even if you don't understand be understanding. Allow yourself to help another and be empowered by them.

The Feeling of Flying Free

Biking…  Ahh!

To feel the wind slide across my face like cool satin or lacquered lace…

To taste the refreshingly brackish droplets that sneak to the corners of my lips…

To recognize the impact that the slightest muscular adjustment – the excess tension in the shoulders that needs relaxation, the dull ache in the arms from supported the upper body, the slack of the abdominals tighten to curl the back just enough - makes in comfort and efficiency…

 To see just that open stretch of road, whether it’s the obscured windings about ever which way with surprises around every corner or the trustworthy, monotonous linear path full of expectation of the plain… 

It sends my mind a flutter with a desire to be free; a desire to clip into those pedals and speed past life and take in the world one frame at a time. Oftentimes it reminds me of hawks gliding with the wind-current, tweaking the smallest feathers to gently curve into a turn while they eye their sights on landscape searching. 

What I Want is Anything but Hustle & Bustle

In this world of stimulus it's easy to be overwhelmed. At least that's my general standing point. Ever since I was a teenager I've wondered if I'd do much better in a earlier time. When things were simple and the world wasn't as connected. I'm quite a loner and although I do like to chat at times, there are few I keep nearby to chatter with. It's my tendency. I don't reach out often. I generally don't like being in loud or busy places. It's too much. I can't take it all in and it's a sure fire way to send my mind into an auto-pilot mode. The immediate becomes my focus - what's right there. 

Now, I pride myself in my mind. I try to understand things and I do my best to take the other mindset into consideration. It's caused my peers to get riled up over it multiple times, mostly under the assumption that I'm siding with a cause that's "wrong." Politics with my parents. Criminal topics (rapists, pedophiles, murderers) with my ex. Affiliations with certain people with friends. It's not that I side with the "other side," but that I understand there are extraneous circumstances that have them making decisions the way they are. People mostly react. Their experiences and how they perceive themselves and the world around them shape their reactions. I get that. It's not black and white. I pride myself in my perception. 

It doesn't go away with auto-pilot on, but my ability to assess and react with my perception goes into a mess of static. Sometimes I go through motions. Sometimes I freeze. Sometimes I sum up my willpower and challenge myself to regain control of the wheel, so to speak. But I don't stop seeing whats happening. It creates a dangerous situation for me to being judging myself on my failures. I may try to refrain from judging others for their mis-doings, but I "should" have control over my actions and in my head I know better. I, myself, am a different matter on the evaluation scheme.

All of this is only recently becoming aware to me - within the last two weeks. It has me appreciating my love of cycling, oddly enough. 

It's an escape. The only want I have is to go faster, push myself harder. Other than that I put my mind at ease, enjoy the sights, smile as the birds soar above and focus on the small intricacies of riding efficiently. The buzz of static disappears. Anxiety is non-existent. I don't have to fight myself to move forward. It all turns to encouragement to keep moving through the burn in my muscles. "Just a bit more." It's the closest I get to freedom right now. For some reason, it's what feels like one of the few things in my life I don't stress myself out over and still continue to excel at. Everything else going on around me doesn't clutter and send me into auto-pilot. 

I love several classes I take at university, and when I can manage to stick to it I do well, but a lot of the times I get overwhelmed with the responsibility and expectations of it all. Then it's a fight. I love to learn, but I can't manage to do it then. I know what I need to do, but suddenly I can't muster to do the simple things. Suddenly there's too much going on in my head; almost like a computer freezing intermittently because of a worm or virus sucking up it's resources. It gets things done but in spurts and at such a pace that it's nothing but frustrating. That doesn't get by in today's world, and I worry how I'll manage.

So, I'm thankful for my bike and the days I get to ride it through the few areas where the natural habitat is preserved. It makes my life seem simple and uncomplicated, which is how I like it.

Never Give In - Just Keep Throwing Your Punches

Troubles are abound in life. It's a hard fact. We must be vigilant; we must persevere. For the good outweighs the bad. Find it and see, a simple tune can make everything free.

 I have a history of issues pushing myself beyond my threshold of anxiety. (Does that make any sense? Lol!) Like anyone with anxiety problems, there are stressors and usually it takes more than just one to cause an issue. I know what mine are for the most part and although that's the first step to mastering them, it hasn't seemed to help much knowing them. I can't avoid them. Unless I want to be a degenerate recluse that is. (Don't worry there's a bit of sarcasm there. :P ) I've tried for years to master my own fate and learn to overcome these triggers. For what I want in life, it's a necessity. It's hard to graduate with a degree if I can't manage to make it through my classes. I don't expect to be able to raise children one day if I can't be a stable provider because one mistake may shatter my resolve. I can't stand the idea of letting someone in my life down. It's my main stressor and it's not something I can giggle and smile away. It's a slow journey, but every now and again I see results. (It's usually through dire circumstances, but whats important is the ability to make progress.)

 Anyways, the main reason this is on my mind is because it's another semester coming around. The first week of classes didn't exactly go well. There's a few extra stressors this round and it's had a pretty big impact. I'm already gripping the doorknob hoping not to shut the door, knowing full well I really want to walk through the doorway instead. Don't ever underestimate the will it takes to fight against a heavy flight response. It takes a lot of courage. Fear peaks. Your mind picks up to a frenzied pace. Your body knots up trying just to keep from having to make a decision on whether to give up or fight. It's almost a constant flux between being solid and jello until you ground yourself. (Sometimes I wish someone would just come up and hug me. Just a person's presence helps ground me.)

 Mentally, I know I can do this. Most times I even feel like I can. It's not so much a self-confidence problem. No, it's my fear of not excelling. I care too much about not being my best. I feel like I'm letting my peers down - that I owe it to them to be better. I innately need someone to fight for. Without a specific identity to work hard for, it scatters to accountability to everyone. It's too much. But there's little to do about that until someone comes into my life that lets me focus on and then that doesn't really correct the issue.

 Until then it means trying new ways to manage the anxiety and leaving reminders to keep fighting. You don't lose until you give up. And that is something I refuse to do. I was blessed with patience and persistence and I certainly plan to use them to their fullest potential.

So, for anyone fighting with anxiety: Keep throwing your punches at it. Don't ever give up. Every time I'm reminded not to give up, it gives me resolve, whether it's from a song, a silly note hanging in front of my desk or the refreshing feeling of pushing myself past my limits out on a run. Find ways to remind yourself of how good it feels to fight and surpass yourself.

Of Masquerades and Jesters

You know the saying "When you're in a relationship, everyone wants you. But when you're single; nothing..." I wouldn't have known if that was true before. I mean I just got out of my first real relationship. Anyways, I've had the exact opposite experience since my break up. Maybe I was just never in a position to be hit on when I was with Matt, but I've had more guys try to pick me up over the last 4 months than I have in my entire life. I mean I'm dense, but it's not until now that I've actually had a guy 'inquiring over my boyfriend.' You know the casual question of, "So, what do you and your boyfriend like to do for fun?" question. Of course, I answer honestly, saying no boyfriend and that he broke up with me a few months back. But, what really baffles me is the typical response I get...

It's rarely answered with, "Why would he do that?" It's almost always "What a douche." or "Well, he must be stupid." Now I understand that it's probably just flattery. They're trying to capture my interest by offhandedly trying to compliment me. (Which, honestly, I don't quite get how that works... I mean, you don't know a thing about me.) No one ever asks "Why?" and that's disturbing for me. Either that or they assume exactly what they're saying. That my ex decidedly is a total ass or just an idiot. And that's supposed to win my favor?! Really? I went out with him for a reason. Maybe I'm just really strange on this regard, but you calling a man that I love an asshole or a complete idiot is not going to win you any brownie points. Just because we aren't together doesn't change my feelings or the reasons I love him.

Another thing... Their responses make it seem like I was the victim. Like, he was the one who did everything wrong. I'm pretty sure both sides are the victim in a serious relationship. I may not have been the one who wanted to cut ties so I guess I may be more of a victim than him, but this probably wasn't easy on him either. The real difference is I had no choice in the matter.There were reasons for the breakup, from both sides and some that had nothing to do with either of us. (Honestly, I think it was mostly bad timing...) But, really he was a victim of it too, I imagine. He was probably hurt by it, too. Do people not think about that? Or are they just saying stuff that they think you want to hear? How much of what they say is actually real and how much is just a facade?

It's like someone asking, "How's it going?" The standard answer for that is probably, "good" even if they're sad or upset. It's like a masquerade party. I'm realizing more and more why people don't understand me. I don't like masks. I like the truth. I like to understand. You can't have those in a masquerade ballroom. They're better off being Court's Jester, dancing around in fake smiles and laughs to please others. I'd much rather just be me. What's the harm in saying, "Today's been rough, but the day's getting better" instead of "Good"? I'd rather you be genuine. (On top of that, it's best to think positively. I mean, a response like "That's a shame, because you seem like a nice person" instead of "Well, he must be an idiot" is going to win me over a lot more.)

I try to see situations from whatever angle I can get to understand why. "Why?" is probably one of the most important questions you can ever ask. (Unless you're a 3 year old being obnoxious, that is!) But it's like some people don't want to know the answer. (Personally, I don't see how they can function; my mind doesn't handle not knowing reasons very well.)

A Peek Into My Heart

Life is full of new experiences and unexpected events, that's for sure. I would never have guessed I'd have to go through some of the experiences I've been, what feels like, dragged through the last month.

Mind you I know full well I let myself get carried along the spiraling waterfall. My perseverance and patience carried me very far as I let myself trust in someone enough to break me. I'm plenty at fault for putting myself in the situation. I had realized that at the time, but I knew that it was something (and someone) I felt was worth it all. 

Reflecting on the incidents that have occurred, especially as of lately, have me appreciating myself as a person. I see how I was in the past. Timid. Uncomfortable. Cowardly. Pessimistic. Terrified. Unsure. There are many words I could just link together, one after another. My fears and guilt chained me to a halt at what felt like the bottom of the cold ocean floor.

I started breaking the chains a few years back, but ultimately many of the links have now been severed, almost in unison, since I began this last very important relationship. I found strength in myself. I found probably my strongest asset, courage. I had slowly built it up as the relationship unfolded - as I let myself allow someone else into my heart... I may not have done the best job at expressing it or showing it, but it's a first lesson. I learned a great deal about myself looking back at it.

Unfortunately, however much I cherished this man whom I let into my life he no longer felt he could carry on with me by his side. I was told he wasn't happy... Not even a day after pulling myself away from the situation I realized my naivety and lack of understanding of the importance of actions. It was clear as day... I had betrayed part of who I was and hid my affection behind a veil. Out of a fear not associated with the relationship. I held myself back in an attempt to spend as much time as I could. I started sacrificing my everyday activities for the chance to talk to him as much as I could... I fell so much in love that I let it suffocate me without realizing it. I was a naive schoolgirl... Scared of a world I'd never seen... Scared of the unknown not because I thought I'd be hurt, but scared that if I opened myself up to it and embraced it I didn't know what would happen.

Now I'm left wondering if because of this maybe I suffocated his happiness. I know ultimately that our happiness is our own responsibility, but it hurts so badly to think I had some part in it.. When I wanted so badly inside to be happy with him... And sadly still do and will probably continue to... It's no longer the time to hold on, though. It's been made clear that it's time to accept these circumstances. Things have gotten out of hand and it's no longer healthy for me to keep waiting for the hurt and betrayal to subside. 

He no longer trusts my words... He no longer laughs in my presence... I "creep him out" now... without meaning to... All it seems to take is my presence. And I want to disappear if it will help his pain go away. But I know from the past if I sacrifice the things that are making me happy, it isn't good for myself... It's a trap I've put myself into time and time again and it's well past time for me to fight for myself. Even if it means the motive is misinterpreted... Even if the fact that that is happening crushes my heart a little every day. So I continue to enjoy these things, even as it sends my mind a flight with worry and concern how it is affecting him.


Even as the situation complicated when strong emotions started getting thrown about... Even as things escalate and I felt the authorities needed to be called in to feel secure... Even as I wake up some mornings trembling with the idea that I may see him, causing anger to reflect in him, I know I have to stand tall and not run. It's important to fight for yourself... Even if he doesn't believe that that's what I'm doing... I'll keep striving to handle what life throws at me in a healthy way. Even if it terrifies me and leaves me with the want to just let it all go and let my life stand still once again. It's important to fight. To have courage. To face the hardships of life with a tall posture, looking it square in the eyes. 


Be respectful. Be understanding. Be forgiving. Be honest. Be sincere. Be caring. Be collected. Be light-hearted. Be courageous. Strive to be the best person you know you can be, Amy. Because that's the best you can hope for. 


The only thing I can hold onto is a small hope that he does still care and he realizes I'm doing this all for my health and happiness and not for ulterior motives. Hope that he still cares enough to want me in his life. I know I'll keep moving forward, but even still there will be this love in me for him. But I can't stay here... I have to grow and I have to live. I have to accept he doesn't want me there right now and may not ever. But I'm not willing to close the door just yet...


(I don't know how but anger passes fast and hurt is forgiven swiftly. Maybe I'm a freak and a fool for it, but it's the person I choose to be. Be true.)

The Necessity of Expression

You know, I never really did like to write… It was tedious and I never found how to grasp satisfactions out of it; it seemed boring to write… Now, though, it’s a bit different… I may not be the best at finding the right words or imagining up a story and place well enough to describe it in detail, but I’ve grown an emotional tie to writing now. Writing has taken life in my through expression, the expression that is the most important thing for me.

It’s mostly fueled by hard times of mourning and frustrations, they are the things that open my eyes to life and give me chance to evaluate the things around me. I’m reminded today of this, on Veteran’s Day, after watching the specials on HBO… The feelings remind me of how I felt through my depression, yet… I sit here watching the impact on the soldiers of WW2 and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. These men, they have a reason for feeling that way. They were surrounded by horrors and death… That is not something I could go through… They were strong men, the ones who overcame those visions. I look up to them mostly in awe. Me, alone… I had a hard time dealing with my own insecurities and hard to cope with nature. I may have actually taken comfort in having to deal with those horrors had I been in those shoes… so much that it scares me; I don’t think I’d have the will to come out of something like that…

These are things that I have a hard time speaking… Just muttering them makes the feelings of condemning myself even worse, and they aren’t things I can express through my art. It’s relaxing to know I can get something like that out without it back-firing on me. Expression… It’s a powerful thing - it at least keeps me sane.

Anyways, I wanted to also say to all the veterans who have been through traumatic times and sacrificed their personal health for the whole of our country:

You are in my heart and I pray that, somehow through that, I can give you some strength to cope with those difficulties I know you must fight with daily. You give me strength and I hope knowing that is even a small comfort to know.