Life is full of new experiences and unexpected events, that's for sure. I would never have guessed I'd have to go through some of the experiences I've been, what feels like, dragged through the last month.
Mind you I know full well I let myself get carried along the spiraling waterfall. My perseverance and patience carried me very far as I let myself trust in someone enough to break me. I'm plenty at fault for putting myself in the situation. I had realized that at the time, but I knew that it was something (and someone) I felt was worth it all.
Reflecting on the incidents that have occurred, especially as of lately, have me appreciating myself as a person. I see how I was in the past. Timid. Uncomfortable. Cowardly. Pessimistic. Terrified. Unsure. There are many words I could just link together, one after another. My fears and guilt chained me to a halt at what felt like the bottom of the cold ocean floor.
I started breaking the chains a few years back, but ultimately many of the links have now been severed, almost in unison, since I began this last very important relationship. I found strength in myself. I found probably my strongest asset, courage. I had slowly built it up as the relationship unfolded - as I let myself allow someone else into my heart... I may not have done the best job at expressing it or showing it, but it's a first lesson. I learned a great deal about myself looking back at it.
Unfortunately, however much I cherished this man whom I let into my life he no longer felt he could carry on with me by his side. I was told he wasn't happy... Not even a day after pulling myself away from the situation I realized my naivety and lack of understanding of the importance of actions. It was clear as day... I had betrayed part of who I was and hid my affection behind a veil. Out of a fear not associated with the relationship. I held myself back in an attempt to spend as much time as I could. I started sacrificing my everyday activities for the chance to talk to him as much as I could... I fell so much in love that I let it suffocate me without realizing it. I was a naive schoolgirl... Scared of a world I'd never seen... Scared of the unknown not because I thought I'd be hurt, but scared that if I opened myself up to it and embraced it I didn't know what would happen.
Now I'm left wondering if because of this maybe I suffocated his happiness. I know ultimately that our happiness is our own responsibility, but it hurts so badly to think I had some part in it.. When I wanted so badly inside to be happy with him... And sadly still do and will probably continue to... It's no longer the time to hold on, though. It's been made clear that it's time to accept these circumstances. Things have gotten out of hand and it's no longer healthy for me to keep waiting for the hurt and betrayal to subside.
Even as the situation complicated when strong emotions started getting thrown about... Even as things escalate and I felt the authorities needed to be called in to feel secure... Even as I wake up some mornings trembling with the idea that I may see him, causing anger to reflect in him, I know I have to stand tall and not run. It's important to fight for yourself... Even if he doesn't believe that that's what I'm doing... I'll keep striving to handle what life throws at me in a healthy way. Even if it terrifies me and leaves me with the want to just let it all go and let my life stand still once again. It's important to fight. To have courage. To face the hardships of life with a tall posture, looking it square in the eyes.
Be respectful. Be understanding. Be forgiving. Be honest. Be sincere. Be caring. Be collected. Be light-hearted. Be courageous. Strive to be the best person you know you can be, Amy. Because that's the best you can hope for.
The only thing I can hold onto is a small hope that he does still care and he realizes I'm doing this all for my health and happiness and not for ulterior motives. Hope that he still cares enough to want me in his life. I know I'll keep moving forward, but even still there will be this love in me for him. But I can't stay here... I have to grow and I have to live. I have to accept he doesn't want me there right now and may not ever. But I'm not willing to close the door just yet...
(I don't know how but anger passes fast and hurt is forgiven swiftly. Maybe I'm a freak and a fool for it, but it's the person I choose to be. Be true.)
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