What I Want is Anything but Hustle & Bustle

In this world of stimulus it's easy to be overwhelmed. At least that's my general standing point. Ever since I was a teenager I've wondered if I'd do much better in a earlier time. When things were simple and the world wasn't as connected. I'm quite a loner and although I do like to chat at times, there are few I keep nearby to chatter with. It's my tendency. I don't reach out often. I generally don't like being in loud or busy places. It's too much. I can't take it all in and it's a sure fire way to send my mind into an auto-pilot mode. The immediate becomes my focus - what's right there. 

Now, I pride myself in my mind. I try to understand things and I do my best to take the other mindset into consideration. It's caused my peers to get riled up over it multiple times, mostly under the assumption that I'm siding with a cause that's "wrong." Politics with my parents. Criminal topics (rapists, pedophiles, murderers) with my ex. Affiliations with certain people with friends. It's not that I side with the "other side," but that I understand there are extraneous circumstances that have them making decisions the way they are. People mostly react. Their experiences and how they perceive themselves and the world around them shape their reactions. I get that. It's not black and white. I pride myself in my perception. 

It doesn't go away with auto-pilot on, but my ability to assess and react with my perception goes into a mess of static. Sometimes I go through motions. Sometimes I freeze. Sometimes I sum up my willpower and challenge myself to regain control of the wheel, so to speak. But I don't stop seeing whats happening. It creates a dangerous situation for me to being judging myself on my failures. I may try to refrain from judging others for their mis-doings, but I "should" have control over my actions and in my head I know better. I, myself, am a different matter on the evaluation scheme.

All of this is only recently becoming aware to me - within the last two weeks. It has me appreciating my love of cycling, oddly enough. 

It's an escape. The only want I have is to go faster, push myself harder. Other than that I put my mind at ease, enjoy the sights, smile as the birds soar above and focus on the small intricacies of riding efficiently. The buzz of static disappears. Anxiety is non-existent. I don't have to fight myself to move forward. It all turns to encouragement to keep moving through the burn in my muscles. "Just a bit more." It's the closest I get to freedom right now. For some reason, it's what feels like one of the few things in my life I don't stress myself out over and still continue to excel at. Everything else going on around me doesn't clutter and send me into auto-pilot. 

I love several classes I take at university, and when I can manage to stick to it I do well, but a lot of the times I get overwhelmed with the responsibility and expectations of it all. Then it's a fight. I love to learn, but I can't manage to do it then. I know what I need to do, but suddenly I can't muster to do the simple things. Suddenly there's too much going on in my head; almost like a computer freezing intermittently because of a worm or virus sucking up it's resources. It gets things done but in spurts and at such a pace that it's nothing but frustrating. That doesn't get by in today's world, and I worry how I'll manage.

So, I'm thankful for my bike and the days I get to ride it through the few areas where the natural habitat is preserved. It makes my life seem simple and uncomplicated, which is how I like it.