A Word About Struggles

It's odd...

Do you ever get the inclination to watch something that you know will be heart-wrenching when you're really down? I do.

Though I honestly think it's because I want to feel uplifted at seeing someone else overcome their challenges. Seeing others struggle and overcome their pitfalls encourages me and, most times, give me a small boost of motivation...

The more openhearted about other people's struggles the easier it is to recognize how difficult some things really are. A lot of the time I think people dismiss things that seem easy for them to do as trivial - you have to stop and consider how the other person reacts to certain stimuli.

For instance, I have phobias over confrontation. I've beaten myself up over so many things that I instinctively expect it from others, even though I distinctly make the conscious revelation that the most times people are understanding and forgiving and simply want to help. (Well, I haven't come across many people who intentionally want to screw me over...) Even past experiences don't help lessen the anxiety they cause. So I hole myself up, knowing it won't fix anything, but hoping I'll warm up to the concept that I need to deal with the situation. It's how I deal with my anxieties... It's not healthy, but it's not something I've been able to consistently repress. It feels like I can't help it, and I can imagine how that looks from the outside.

I just watched a movie called Lbs. And it reminded me of this idea. If you couldn't tell by the name, it's a movie portraying the struggle of dealing with life hardships through eating: excessive eating. Which, because of the unhealthy nature of the coping mechanism, brings about more humiliation upon the eater often. Now, I don't understand this struggle... I've been blessed with a healthy appetite and loved sports and exercise growing up. (Though, I'm not really sure if that plays a role in any of this, honestly.) I also never really put too much weight on my appearance, either.My issues were always about performance, not appearance.

But I have been in a relationship with someone who struggled and may still struggle with overeating, and though I don't understand the impulses and the blow upon the self-esteem it causes, I've seen it lived out. I lived with pieces of it - the small bits that were complacently unearthed. The box of ice cream bars stashed in the corner that wasn't there that morning... The early morning degrading "pep talks" in front of the mirror... The suspicious sounds through the door that could be heard just over the music...

They were just small pieces uncovered here and there over time. And near the end, I was so conflicted... I had seen enough things to cause suspicion that I very nearly knew what was going on. (Unfortunately, one of my downfalls is that I'm oblivious to many things. It takes a while for the realization to snap all the pieces together...) I didn't know how to talk to them about it... It's something I regret; not ripping off the band aide to expose the wound -all out of fear of causing too much pain - and let them know that I was there for them and loved them just for who they were.

I mean, it didn't stop me from telling them that I loved them for who they were, but if I had made it clear that I had realized how this controlling impulse was affecting them and that to me that didn't change how I saw them I've wondered if it would help... Help show them that they should love themselves for who they are, faults and all... Because, though I don't struggle in the same way, I do have to remind myself of that fact. By the time I gathered my courage life twisted things out of my hands. It was decided that I wasn't to be part of their life anymore.

So I'm left here hoping that things have gotten better for them. That they don't look at themselves in disgust or fret over the opinions of outsiders so much that they think themselves unworthy. But I know, from my own struggles that it may not go away for years and it makes me mourn, because I want to be there and I can't. I struggle with my own problems, and though no one can help me with mine, I do know that overcoming things alongside people helps.

We all have our issues we struggle with, so please open your heart and mind to another's struggles and don't chastise or degrade them thinking that it's trivial, because to them your problems are probably trivial and you'd be hurt if they rebuked you. We get through things together in this world, so even if you don't understand be understanding. Allow yourself to help another and be empowered by them.

The Feeling of Flying Free

Biking…  Ahh!

To feel the wind slide across my face like cool satin or lacquered lace…

To taste the refreshingly brackish droplets that sneak to the corners of my lips…

To recognize the impact that the slightest muscular adjustment – the excess tension in the shoulders that needs relaxation, the dull ache in the arms from supported the upper body, the slack of the abdominals tighten to curl the back just enough - makes in comfort and efficiency…

 To see just that open stretch of road, whether it’s the obscured windings about ever which way with surprises around every corner or the trustworthy, monotonous linear path full of expectation of the plain… 

It sends my mind a flutter with a desire to be free; a desire to clip into those pedals and speed past life and take in the world one frame at a time. Oftentimes it reminds me of hawks gliding with the wind-current, tweaking the smallest feathers to gently curve into a turn while they eye their sights on landscape searching. 

What I Want is Anything but Hustle & Bustle

In this world of stimulus it's easy to be overwhelmed. At least that's my general standing point. Ever since I was a teenager I've wondered if I'd do much better in a earlier time. When things were simple and the world wasn't as connected. I'm quite a loner and although I do like to chat at times, there are few I keep nearby to chatter with. It's my tendency. I don't reach out often. I generally don't like being in loud or busy places. It's too much. I can't take it all in and it's a sure fire way to send my mind into an auto-pilot mode. The immediate becomes my focus - what's right there. 

Now, I pride myself in my mind. I try to understand things and I do my best to take the other mindset into consideration. It's caused my peers to get riled up over it multiple times, mostly under the assumption that I'm siding with a cause that's "wrong." Politics with my parents. Criminal topics (rapists, pedophiles, murderers) with my ex. Affiliations with certain people with friends. It's not that I side with the "other side," but that I understand there are extraneous circumstances that have them making decisions the way they are. People mostly react. Their experiences and how they perceive themselves and the world around them shape their reactions. I get that. It's not black and white. I pride myself in my perception. 

It doesn't go away with auto-pilot on, but my ability to assess and react with my perception goes into a mess of static. Sometimes I go through motions. Sometimes I freeze. Sometimes I sum up my willpower and challenge myself to regain control of the wheel, so to speak. But I don't stop seeing whats happening. It creates a dangerous situation for me to being judging myself on my failures. I may try to refrain from judging others for their mis-doings, but I "should" have control over my actions and in my head I know better. I, myself, am a different matter on the evaluation scheme.

All of this is only recently becoming aware to me - within the last two weeks. It has me appreciating my love of cycling, oddly enough. 

It's an escape. The only want I have is to go faster, push myself harder. Other than that I put my mind at ease, enjoy the sights, smile as the birds soar above and focus on the small intricacies of riding efficiently. The buzz of static disappears. Anxiety is non-existent. I don't have to fight myself to move forward. It all turns to encouragement to keep moving through the burn in my muscles. "Just a bit more." It's the closest I get to freedom right now. For some reason, it's what feels like one of the few things in my life I don't stress myself out over and still continue to excel at. Everything else going on around me doesn't clutter and send me into auto-pilot. 

I love several classes I take at university, and when I can manage to stick to it I do well, but a lot of the times I get overwhelmed with the responsibility and expectations of it all. Then it's a fight. I love to learn, but I can't manage to do it then. I know what I need to do, but suddenly I can't muster to do the simple things. Suddenly there's too much going on in my head; almost like a computer freezing intermittently because of a worm or virus sucking up it's resources. It gets things done but in spurts and at such a pace that it's nothing but frustrating. That doesn't get by in today's world, and I worry how I'll manage.

So, I'm thankful for my bike and the days I get to ride it through the few areas where the natural habitat is preserved. It makes my life seem simple and uncomplicated, which is how I like it.