I have a history of issues pushing myself beyond my threshold of anxiety. (Does that make any sense? Lol!) Like anyone with anxiety problems, there are stressors and usually it takes more than just one to cause an issue. I know what mine are for the most part and although that's the first step to mastering them, it hasn't seemed to help much knowing them. I can't avoid them. Unless I want to be a degenerate recluse that is. (Don't worry there's a bit of sarcasm there. :P ) I've tried for years to master my own fate and learn to overcome these triggers. For what I want in life, it's a necessity. It's hard to graduate with a degree if I can't manage to make it through my classes. I don't expect to be able to raise children one day if I can't be a stable provider because one mistake may shatter my resolve. I can't stand the idea of letting someone in my life down. It's my main stressor and it's not something I can giggle and smile away. It's a slow journey, but every now and again I see results. (It's usually through dire circumstances, but whats important is the ability to make progress.)
Anyways, the main reason this is on my mind is because it's another semester coming around. The first week of classes didn't exactly go well. There's a few extra stressors this round and it's had a pretty big impact. I'm already gripping the doorknob hoping not to shut the door, knowing full well I really want to walk through the doorway instead. Don't ever underestimate the will it takes to fight against a heavy flight response. It takes a lot of courage. Fear peaks. Your mind picks up to a frenzied pace. Your body knots up trying just to keep from having to make a decision on whether to give up or fight. It's almost a constant flux between being solid and jello until you ground yourself. (Sometimes I wish someone would just come up and hug me. Just a person's presence helps ground me.)
Mentally, I know I can do this. Most times I even feel like I can. It's not so much a self-confidence problem. No, it's my fear of not excelling. I care too much about not being my best. I feel like I'm letting my peers down - that I owe it to them to be better. I innately need someone to fight for. Without a specific identity to work hard for, it scatters to accountability to everyone. It's too much. But there's little to do about that until someone comes into my life that lets me focus on and then that doesn't really correct the issue.
Until then it means trying new ways to manage the anxiety and leaving reminders to keep fighting. You don't lose until you give up. And that is something I refuse to do. I was blessed with patience and persistence and I certainly plan to use them to their fullest potential.
So, for anyone fighting with anxiety: Keep throwing your punches at it. Don't ever give up. Every time I'm reminded not to give up, it gives me resolve, whether it's from a song, a silly note hanging in front of my desk or the refreshing feeling of pushing myself past my limits out on a run. Find ways to remind yourself of how good it feels to fight and surpass yourself.
